Where sex be happy happy

Dear Svutlana,

Bluntly stated, whenever I give my husband oral sex I wake up the next morning with a strong gluten reaction. I have terrible aches and pains all over, a bad headache and my hands and feet are extremely sensitive and swollen. I can hardly walk to the bathroom they hurt so bad.

I know the makeup of semen is not supposed to contain gluten. The last few times, I even consciously tried to get every trace out of my mouth, but was it just too late?

We have been together for 25 years and I don’t remember this reaction before going gluten-free three years ago. I suppose that could be because I was having constant problems so maybe I just didn’t notice. Now that I have so much less pain on a daily basis, it’s easier to distinguish when I get “poisoned” from something.

Help! Please!

Dear Ms Gluten,

Thank you too much for blunt question that give Svutlana opportunities for share glorious composition of semens.

But before do, Svutlana must confess that Svutlana no be gluten free. Can absolute no understand me why glutteny all of sudden become deadly sin for 95+ percent of peoples who no have celiac diseases. In Svutlana opinion, if pizza from Boston can be make gluten free and people can eat gluten-free Boston pizza that be more big than their face, then gluten no be problem. Eat too much crap food be problem.

That be said, presume Svutlana that you be among small percent of peoples who have celiac disease and severe reaction for gluten, Ms Gluten. And now society conspire with you for rid your diet of glutens, you still manage for find glutens inside husband semens.

Here be semens ingredient list that Svutlana find on reverse side of penis:


As can see you, semens have more in common with protein shake than pizza crust, Ms Gluten. Gluten stick for gastrointestinal tract and no seek out testicle for fill for brim. Maybe because penis rise and bread rise too you think gluten be for blame for your reaction, but guarantee me, semens be complete gluten free.

Feel me little bit sorry for your husband, Ms Gluten. If someone perform oral please on Svutlana and proceed for swab mouth and spit, or whatever you happen for do for remove every trace of “poison” residues, get me little bits upset. Svutlana believe your reaction be inside your mind, Ms Gluten. In scientific experiment, peoples have rash reaction simple when someone tell them that benign plant be poison ivy. Mind have powers over body that we can absolute no wrap head around.

But Svutlana no tell you for suck it up, Ms Gluten. Svutlana simple say give oral please until husband be ready for ejaculate, then let “gluten” fly somewhere else, preferable on Boston pizza where sperms can enjoy last meal on gluten-free crust.


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