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Archive for the ‘alternate sexstyles’ Category

Five things that Playboy teach us about sex…or something

Svutlana intend for make this post about seven things that Playboy teach us about sex because when you write blog you need list with odd number of items. But it be impossible for find seven things that Svutlana learn from Playboy, Hugh Hefner and bunnies who jump on Hef, so here be five:

1. “Playboy be big. It be porn that get small.” Svutlana make up this quote for Hugh Hefner who be Norma Desmond of sex. Mr Hef continue for live in Playboy mansion and party like it be 1969.

Think about Playboy and consider what use for be risqué then look at this commercial…


Have me absolute no ideas what Elave be, but want me some for apply for local sensitive places. Never see me so many flaccid hairless laboratory peoples since back in days when Svutlana work at Big Drugged Company and they unsuccessful try for implement casual sex Fridays.

2. “Clock in clock out.” This be how former bunny describe sex with Mr Hef that typical last one minute and be lot like sex with real bunny that last rough 20 for 40 seconds.

Kendra Wilkinson bunny say she have for be high on drugs and alcohol for do Mr Hef, but what for fuck? Svutlana say suck it up if it only take one minute for do. You have for be special kind of dumdum for sign up as Hef girlfriend with absolute no fuck ideas that job involve fuck.

In Svutlana opinion, drugs and alcohol be much worse than make happy happy with somebody old enough for great grandfather. But maybe this just be Svutlana who have things for older mens…

3. Here be what Mr Hef look like if he have wife of similar age and they celebrate diamond anniversary.


Ms Mary be younger womens who work for Mr Hef for many many years and this prove that Mr Hef be nice mens who no fuck all employees, only employees who have tail and big flop ears.

4. Speak of big flop ears, today white bunny logo that feminist wear in irony around neck like shrunken head of former foe be most valuable thing about Playboy. (Mr Hef no quite understand why feminist no like him one little bits when he be progressive who fight hard for birth controls so can increase supply of unimpregnable womens.) Bunny logo also be on t-shirt in Czech Republic and beer bottles in Brazil because everybody know that playboy wear t-shirt and drink beers.

5. “He grabs himself a dizzy blond once in a while but that’s no life.” Quote from movie that play at Playboy mansion on Manly Old Movie Night (every Monday at precise 6:30pm) as report in Esquire article on cuckoo clockwork life of playboy Mr Hef.

Sex because it be Wednesday (and Wednesday and Friday be Sex Night and you always make happy happy on Sex Night because you be Hugh Hefner and this be what Hugh Hefner do even if require titload of Viagra and small crane for have erection) be no sex at all. Mr Hef be poster boy for worst kind of sexual self-tyrannies–sex because you have sexy image for uphold. Why you no take night off Mr Hef? Why you no take load off your gashooshlank?

So there it be, five things Svutlana learn from Playboy, Mr Hef and bunnies. Svutlana leave final word to Mr Hef:

“Every man should have a Hitachi Wand. It’s a very good vibrator.”

No look for deep profundities from mens who wear pyjamas all days.


Chastity play be advance dominate tricks

Dear Svutlana,

After reading an article in a women’s magazine on how to spice up your sex life, I thought that it might be a good idea for me and my husband of twenty-two years to exchange envelopes containing our sex fantasies. Which we did.

It was a classic case of be careful what you wish for Svutlana because inside my husband’s envelope was the desire to wear a male chastity device, specifically the CB-3000.

Okay. So he’s in the device now. What do I do, Svutlana?

Holding the Key

Dear Ms Key,

Thank you too much for question that highlight what maybe happen when you hand over keys for sex life for magazine that tell you for spice things up but no tell you what for fuck for do when spice be extreme hot. Obvious, whatever be inside your sex fantasy envelope take back seat for CB-3000, Ms Key. Svutlana understand complete because there be nothing quite so allure as sex fantasy with no sex in it. 

For sure everybody wonder what CB-3000 look like. Apologize Svutlana profuse in advances if this image, small as it be, disturb some peoples…

Literature describe CB-3000 device as ‘classy’ maybe because chrome have nice sheen, but look little bit sad sacks if you ask me. 

Some womens say CB-3000 be excellent for husband who be serial masturbator or husband with penis that somehow find its way inside other womens. Most womens say husband in CB-3000 be extreme thoughtful and attentive, but no expect this for happen as soon as you snap device in for place, Ms Key. Take few week for begin for see full effect of husband in CB-3000 who be all rev up and no way for come.

This bring Svutlana for first piece of vice: absolute no let husband out of CB-3000 when he ask for be set free, even if he make little doe eye at you and beg. Whole point for chastity play be for take keyholder role extreme serious and let partner know who be in charge. This no come natural for many womens. Statistic that Svutlana pull out of her ass say that there be twenty submissive mens for one truly dominant womens.

You can learn how for be dominant, Ms Key, but keyhold learn curve be steep. Guarantee me, husband want you for be more strict and adventurous than you think. Svutlana no recommend that right off bats you hold key for six week, Ms Key, but you should absolute no let husband out of device at 11:00 pm on Friday night because this be too predictable. Power of chastity play, like strange allure of Rob Ford, come from unpredictability. 

Guarantee me, most difficult part about chastity play for you, Ms Key, will be for exert full control. Husband be submissive, so he will absolute no tell you what for do, but for sure he has expectation for be at your mercy. You need for unlock your imagination with decide how for use your key. Unfortunate Svutlana can no tell you what for do, but if Svutlana be in your place, she put on PVC corset, get out peppermint foot lotion and ask for foot massage while make out Christmas list.


Burberry mink bracelet be good match for CB-3000

With great power come great insatiabilities.