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Archive for the ‘Sexual accidents’ Category

Sapphic sciatica

Eros, again now, the loosener of limbs troubles me,
Bittersweet, sly, uncontrollable creature….

Svutlana contemplate these beautiful words from Sappho as recover from injury for back that radiate in sensuous manner through buttock and down inner thigh. Maybe Svutlana no suffer quite as much if limbs be more loose.

It seem for me that sex should follow same pattern as yoga. In yoga we do downward face dog follow by upward face dog position so that back can flex one way and then other…


In sex can follow same practice with flex one way and then other…


Svutlana pains likely come from sit in chair at show that go on little bits too long, but prefer for think it be due for combine same back arch in starfish and downward face camel, those bittersweet sly uncontrollable creatures.


Can accidental anal be no accident?


Was that accidental anal question for real? I’m a guy and can’t believe it’s possible to give a woman anal accidentally. I can believe however that the guy wanted anal and didn’t want to go through the proper channels.

Dear Mr Channels,

Thank you too much for clarification question, Mr Channels. Answer for your question be that yes, question be for real and yes, anal penetrate can happen accidental if mens be unable for control his instrument.

Think about mechanics of how this maybe happen. You be in middle of make happy happy and you be in rhythms. With rhythms of sex for lull you, your mind start for wander. You start for think about what for do tomorrow or how much your car cost for fix (coincidental, tomorrow while wait for car fix, you think about sex). In midst of daydreams you fall out of vagina. When this happen you panic and push hard back in, but at moment of pull out angle of gashooshlank change ever so slight and this change trajectory so that, rather than reenter vagina, you enter anus. Hard.

Partner scream and happy happy immediate come for screech halt. Partner can no sit comfortable for three day and bowel movement feel like she try for pass set of steak knives. You apologize profuse, but partner think you just try for kill her and can no accept apologies or even breathe for several minutes while she try for process what just happen and think about if she ever want for have sex again.

Now consider it be no accident. Partner purpose exit vagina and reenter anus because he prefer something little bit more tight around gashooshlank and can no be bother with go through proper channels with ask for anal sex. Type of person who do this probable be type of person who make even sex doll close up orifice tight, but psychopathy issue aside, it would require fair bit of coordination for switch from vagina for anus on fly.

If have even cursory knowledge of anus base on your own experience of have one, you know that ram stick inside at high speeds is probable going for hurt. You maybe get only one thrust (two at most if partner go in for shocks) if try for stage anal “accident” for your own pleasures because pain be so excruciate that partner scream and start for cry.

Who for fuck would do this?

Svutlana rest cases.


Mamma Mia Rose!!

Dear Svutlana,

A few days ago, when my husband and I came back home after visiting a friend, I went upstairs to our 7-year-old daughter’s room to see if she was sleeping well. Much to my surprise, she had found one of our vibrators (a Lelo Mia Rose, which looks like a lipstick). She had managed to turn it on, and was using it correctly, apparently enjoying herself.

It was so unexpected that I really didn’t know what to do. I suppose we simply forgot to remove the batteries and she found it in a drawer behind my dresses, started playing with it and at some point got the idea of putting it “down there”. I looked for some ten seconds, then I told her to stop. She saw me then, and looked embarrassed.

I just took the vibrator from her without saying a word, and put it back in place. I told her she shouldn’t have done that. I didn’t want to hurt her–I don’t want her to feel bad about her body or anything–but maybe because of the surprise and her age–she’s just 7!–I just didn’t know what to do. She said “Sorry” as I left the room.

I didn’t tell my husband and I didn’t talk to her about that again. But now I’m afraid I may have said something wrong. Maybe I should talk to her. But I don’t know what to say! Can you help me Svutlana?

Surprised and Worried

Dear Ms Surprise,

Oh, thank you too much for this extreme reverberate question, Ms Surprise. Svutlana feel too much for you. You obvious be extreme good mother desperate for do right thing with extreme smart daughter who no only figure out how for work buzz machine, but also discover best application for Mia Rose. It seem for me real problem that you describe be emotion pain that you feel because, guarantee me, daughter already move on. So first piece vice have Svutlana for you be for take deep breath and relax. You be okay.

For sure nobody expect for find 7-year-old daughter in process of self-please, but it seem for me that once become adult, everybody forget what it be like for be child. In Svutlana opinion, whether we like for think about or no, children be sexual–no in adult sense–but in most pure pleasure-seek sense. When Svutlana be little girl, love me for too much for slide down banister. Little Svutlana absolute no associate this behavior with sex because no understand what sex be; only understand that for some reason banister between leg feel extreme good.

In Svutlana mind, only thing daughter do wrong be for take something private that belong for you. Therefore, second piece vice have Svutlana for you, Ms Surprise, be for have discussion with daughter who need for understand exact what you mean when say, “You shouldn’t have done that…”

“You shouldn’t have done that” absolute no mean that it be wrong for find pleasure in body “down there”. “You shouldn’t have done that” mean that daughter should no take something that no belong for her without first ask for permissions.

Of course this open you up for daughter for come back for you with ask for permissions for use your buzz machine. Svutlana recommend that you add “Buzz machine be for adult use only” for your discussion and that it be one of these thing like operate fax machine that daughter must wait until she be little bit more old for use.

Have Svutlana one question for you, Ms Surprise: why you no tell husband about daughter? Svutlana suggest you tell him, but this be optional vice. It seem for me that husband should know how clever and intuitive his daughter be.


p.s. It surprise Svutlana little bit that you no pop Mia Rose into purse when go out for night with husband, Ms Surprise.


Svutlana recall penal fires of accidental anal trespass


I really want to try new things with my girlfriend and one of them is Anal Sex. She was in a pervious relationship where she was having vaginal sex with her boyfriend at the time and he was going too fast and accidentally slammed into her anus, so now she refuses and gets scared when I even touch her bare butt.

What can I do to ease her into Anal Sex?

Dear Mr Anal,

Thank you too much for question about Anal Sex that definite deserve capital letter because Anal Sex can seem like you try for put large object where smaller object is supposed for be.

You mention incident in “pervious” relationship that seem for make girlfriend impervious for all future anal penetrations. Believe or no, Svutlana can relate personal for girlfriend experience that Svutlana call accidental anal trespass. Excruciate pain be one thing, but excruciate pain in situations where you expect exquisite pleasures be something complete else.

It be like partner all of sudden turn from archangel and good friend of God in for Satan in terrible scare scene from Paradise Lost…

Him the Almighty Power
Hurled headlong flaming from the ethereal sky
With hideous ruin and combustion down
To bottomless perdition, there to dwell
In adamantine chains and penal fire...

Svutlana never complete recover from hurl headlong in for penal fires…

Believe or no, you answer own question, Mr Anal. You must ease girlfriend in for Anal Sex with go extreme slow. Approach girlfriend anal passage with most tiny finger and lot of lube and promise for stop if hurt even tiny bits. If girlfriend say no, be sure for say that Anal Sex feel complete different when it no be accidental. Give girlfriend Surrender book write by former ballerina Ms Toni Bentley that rhapsodize about pleasures of Anal Sex perform with pirouettes.

Difference between accidental Anal Sex and Anal Sex perform with skills be like difference between osso buco that chef make and and osso buco that Svutlana make with spaghettis from can. Neither feel good when shove up your ass unexpect however, so if girlfriend still say no for Anal Sex, you must respect her wishes. No try for sneak in back door with finger as if this be okay because you only try for give her pleasures.

Paradoxical, you probable have more success with approach Anal Sex as Svutlana suggest, than if you try for have vaginal sex in rear entry position that guarantee me, will always make girlfriend little bit scare of penal fires.