Where sex be happy happy

Christmas spirits make Svutlana go for toy department and look at magic banana, amaze pelvic floor exerciser…


Magic banana be little bits like fuck yourself with skip rope. Want me too much for love magic banana and spirit of womens help womens that banana embody, but it just no look like fun for me.

Svutlana have similar experience when order Ben Wa balls for do pelvic floor exercise. Be disappoint when balls arrive in mail and they look like something you play ping pong with.

Svutlana need for be in moods for insert something so big inside vagina. Celia (lady who sell balls for Svutlana) say she insert balls and do housework. Eventual she graduate for heavier and heavier balls and develop extreme strong vagina that can clamp down on husband penis like boa constrictor. Svutlana hope Ms Celia no share this serpentine informations with her husband…

When make happy happy with partner and moment be right, Svutlana be in moods for insert spatula, tea diffuser or wood spoon inside vagina, but for insert skip rope or large balls or (mother of gods!) vaginal barbell out of blues for do exercise? It definite no will happen.

Website say magic banana can be use for self explore, but no see me flashlight anywhere on device. If light up when insert, get warm and play Talk Dirty song, maybe Svutlana call up Pay Pal for charge $69.00 plus ship, handle and tax.

Commercial say that magic banana will answer questions, as if it can connect with wisdom that be curl up inside vaginal walls like eternal feminine fortune cookie.

Svutlana have couple of question for vagina via magic banana.

Where exact be G-spots?

Svutlana vaginal fortune cookie say: No matter what your past has been you have a spotless future.

How can you make pelvic floor exercise in for fun?

Svutlana vaginal fortune cookie say: Stop wishing. Start doing.

Svutlana do kegels now. Unassisted.


Penis often get in for troubles when walk down street, notice object of extreme interest and react with pointed stare. Clitoris try for distract penis with play hide and seek and talk about feelings and white teeth and whether Hilary Clinton be President, but this strategy never ever work.

Joke that everybody in Svutlandia know be that penis and clitoris look similar and seem to be on same team, but they play two different games with complete different set of rules.

Svutlana can retire and return for Svutlandia now because, accord for new study publish in Clinical Anatomy and report in Muffpost, vaginal orgasm and G-spot no exist. From now on, everybody be instruct for use term female orgasm for refer for female orgasm and no G-spot, vaginal or clitoral orgasms that make womens feel bad if they never experience trifuckta.

Similar, female ejaculation also be call in for question and seem for disappear along with G-spots. Clitoris no be tiny button but miraculous organ that extend in for body and masquerade as G-spot. Clitoris be responsible for female orgasm so let us please stop with private part marketing that try for create three products where there only be one.


Dear Svutlana,

My husband and I have been married for four years and everything is perfect–he’s a wonderful guy and I wouldn’t trade him for anybody–but he’s not very good in bed. He doesn’t know how to touch me. He is either too light or too heavy, too fast or too slow and waaaaay too predictable. Can you give me some advice on how to broach the topic of technique with him? I’m sure there are simple skills he can learn to become a better lover and I don’t think I should be the one to teach him.

Frustrated in Frisco

Dear Ms Frisco,

Svutlana get too many “everything be perfect but…” letter! Feel me too much for you, Ms Frisco. No womens like for be marry for mens who be like bull in vagina shop. Why for fuck there be so many peoples who think that sex be skill that everybody innate know how for do?

Svutlana motto be “Anybody worth do, be worth do extreme well.” In Svutlandia we learn basic sexual technique in high school. Svutlana hand and brain no communicate well so must repeat hand job course three time, but eventual Svutlana get good grip on subject.

Vice Svutlana have for you be simple, Ms Frisco. Do what you want husband for do. You no say that you be expert lover, but suspect me that you find Svutlandia SAT (Sexual Aptitude Test) extreme difficult. Maybe you fail. Who know? Get book on sex technique and study extreme hard. Make sure husband know what you do and why–you want for please him and you know that be good lover be lot like be good chef: you need for learn proven techniques from masters and practice, practice practice. Offer for purchase materials for husband so that you can study together.

Vice Svutlana have for everybody who read this post be learn one new technique for please partner and try it out….


Svutlana think this be most adorable photograph ever, but in general, never do anything for partner that one Stooge do for other Stooge.

Warm regard you too much and best of luck for you!


Fun with Elf on Shelf

Elf on Shelf offer many possibilities for be sexy and silly. Svutlana encourage everyone with Elf on Shelf for full explore erotic potential of these naughty gnomes.


I consider sex a misdemeanor. The more I miss, de meaner I get. ~Mae West

Mary Jane “Mae” West have much for teach us about how for have playful happy happy attitude toward sex and, if you be female, Ms Mae show you exact how for become delectable dame.

Ms Mae give simple instructions as follow:

It isn’t what I do but how I do it. It isn’t what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.

Allow Svutlana for deconstruct this quote.

It isn’t what I do but how I do it.

For sure Ms Mae no walk up for ABM machine with eyes cast down so as no for attract attentions. Ms Mae sashay up for bank machine and enter her password like she caress nipples on lover.  Your body tell your mind how for feel. Guarantee me, if you wiggle your hips as you walk down street, your mind think you be up for something good.

It isn’t what I say, but how I say it…

Mae West have unique way of speak that be sexy and sassy. For talk like Ms Mae, speak as if every word hold tantalize possibles of double entendres or rapier critique of social mores. Wherever you go, look and listen for Mae West-isms.

Svutlana give you Mae West quote generator for help:

______ is like _______. The more ________the ____ you_________.

Svutlana generate couple of example:

Sex be like bologna. More sex you have, less you worry about gross stuff that go in for it.

Husbands be like stop signs. More often you see them, more likely you be for ignore them. 

and how I look when I do it and say it…

Mae West know that how you look matters, but only for how it make you feel. Believe or no, study say that peoples who dress in lab coat perform better on quiz than peoples in street clothes. Svutlana absolute no recommend that you wear lab coat, but take little bits extra time for think about what kind of look would make you feel how you want for feel. It never cease for amaze Svutlana how little time it take for make look that make you feel sparkles.

Most important thing for remember about Mae West be that she no give one shit about what peoples think. In world were little thumbs up be most covet collectible, it be increase difficult for be Mae West but it be worth efforts because maybe one day somebody make you in for work of art.

Love isn’t an emotion or an instinct--it’s an art...
            Love isn’t an emotion or an instinct–it’s an art…

Salvadore Dali make Mae West in for work of art and her lips in for sofa. What womens no want body part for be make in for furniture as long as it no be Ikea that imply she be in pieces and in need for some assembly?



Think maybe you talk in for crotch on Erotica phone…will try no for make obvious oral sex observations.

Apologize me too much for be away from Svutlana blog but be extreme busy with prepare for Nice and Naughty party this Friday. Svutlana must make Santa cream cheese testicles with nuts now, but promise for return for blog as soon as possibles.

Warm regard you too much!


secks beer


When you host large dinner party for naughty neighbours you have for make your own nice and naughty fun. Svutlana take one large black Sharpie and voila! Becks beer get sexy makeover for festive party.

Svutlana vice for everybody who get complete stress out with holiday season be for think about ways for become naughty elf.

Warm regard you too much!



Slide2For sure 28,000 years be long happy life for sex toy we call dildo. Dildo be strange word if ask you me. It sound like penis that surprise you when it jump out of can.


Oxford English Dictionary have absolute no ideas where word dildo come from, but wherever it be, from 16th century onward dildo enter English language and stay here.

Other languages have other word for dildo that seem for reflect cultural attitudes toward penis that no be attach for male:

Russian фаллоимитатор (“phallic imitator”)

Hindi darshildo (have me absolute no ideas what this mean)

Spanish consolador (“consoler”)

Greek δονητής (“vibration thruster”)

Welsh cala goeg (“fake penis”)

French Don Juan d’Autriche (“Don Juan of Austria”)

Svutlandian gashooshlank (“penis”)

Greek word sound aggressive and Spanish word seem little bit sad for me, but French word sound like dildo that make grand entrance. Hindi darshildo sound nice. Too nice.

In Svutlandia we no degrade inanimate penis and peoples who use them with modify penis with word “fake” or “imitation”. All penis and penis-like device for give pleasures be call gashooshlanks.

It seem for me that words have difficult times with express sex pleasures. All we can say for sure be that, after at least 28,000 years of experience, dildo by any other name feel as good.